I did not come to aware how ignorant I have been till I joined a few ladies of ‘RainLily’ on the Christmas Day to make a visit to a mosque. I promised to go along just thinking that since no guys or friends date me, maybe I could at least help out a little by carrying stuff. I learnt something new again. I thought as Muslims, the women at the mosque would not bother with what ‘RainLily’ would present about, even there is the need for women to know some self-defencing skills in case of meeting some perverted male attackers(ok, maybe female too). When we got there, the Muslim ladies were very welcoming, trying to offer us a comfortable atmosphere, giving us drinks and laying chairs out for us which actually made me feel a bit useless and a little embarrassed.
So the staff of ‘RainLily’ began talking and quite a few rows of the Muslim women actually seemed to have pay attention to listen, and were happy to pair up and try out the self-defencing acts the ‘RainLily’ staff demonstrated to them. Apparently, no one would object me to infer that this means they have the idea that there is the need of protecting themselves, maybe for the sake of themselves, their boyfriends or husbands. No matter what, they didn’t belittle themselves but wanted to guard up against those potential attackers. I realised it was me again who thought many women out there would not bother with female rights. I remembered one organiser there from the mosque even approached me and asked me details about ‘RainLily’, asking me how our organisation would help out women in Hong Kong, how should she explain to the other Muslim ladies in their own language about how to get access to our service.
I am so much more highly educated than the Muslim ladies who are domestic helpers in Hong Kong, but in my mindset, I am not even qualified to graduate from that kindergarten of female rights. In the end, we left the mosque at around four o’clock as the mosque went into a prayer’s time session. I wanted to thank my ex to have dumped me in finding my mentality unbearable, otherwise, I would not end up doing much more volunteering work, and no way I would come to a day that I untie my own myths, underestimating how much women can do nowadays.
After Christmas Day, my ups and downs did not fade away. I think about people at my age already having graduated for quite some time already with a few years of working experience, earning much more than me, looking both smart and pretty/handsome. Me in comparison, I am a loser as usual. I look at myself: what have I done besides living abroad in discontentment over years and having wasted one whole year just to be a patient?
As an idiot in Maths, if I count just roughly, yes, roughly, to estimate how much I have spent just to readjust myself in 2016, I would have spent at least over an amount of $10,0000 Hong Kong dollars already. I wasted so much money, from the need to get my parents to fly over to London to see me going mad crying on the street close to Waterloo tube station, paid for the three plane tickets to escort me on a plane back to Hong Kong, the money for the regular routine of seeing my psychiatrist, paying for my medication, paid my rent and many living costs in London for no reasons when in fact I left London earlier than expected… all things went out of control, and so so much money was wasted certainly. Why didn’t I manage to avoid myself falling sick and have saved up this amount of money for something more worthwhile? I guess if just by the look of my Instagram which I had explained before as my starting point to hold tight to some positivity, what I show on Ig are all just big fat lies. The true me is constantly having a headache about money issue.
People tell me that I am still young, I can wait before I work on a permanent basis, and I will be able to earn back all those money that I spent, since I haven’t yet gone to hell but am breathing today. As someone who lives up to the value of upholding my manner, I said that thanks for these kind words, each and every single time when someone said something like that to me. Such words meant nothing but to remind me that I am a loser who is running way behind the others, not to forget that there is the waste of so much unnecessary money, when I am not from a well-off family.
A crazy person who gets emotional randomly and who wastes her parents’ money however see a better me through volunteering. I did not know that even a loser like me can be helpful to the others. I am not sure will I be a better person in 2017 or get sent to the tomb successfully, but even if I really go to the tomb, at least I have done some little things in 2016 and possibly in 2017 that are useful for the others.
I thank that those charitable organisations accepted someone like me and took me in to be involved with their work, and I did not disclose to them that they took me in at a time when I didn’t even consider myself fit to work, when I still saw myself as a piece of rubbish in this big big world.I deceived them; I did not find a loud speaker to tell them how I am still greatly affected by my bipolar.
I am so upset and pissed off about myself. This week I keep having moments that I want to throw things and scream by finding that Hong Kong being just too crowded everywhere. This place is unbearable but damn, this bears no logic since everyone in Hong Kong has to accept that this is life, why couldn’t I? So since when I have the right to want to throw a tantrum about this in public? I must be shameless. This is why once again, I think some people at ‘RainLily’ having learnt that I am mentally ill but still hasn’t told me to stay away from the organisation really has the guts to take on a challenge like me.
I conclude that I found some meaning to my life through volunteering. Because even someone like me can volunteer, I suggest that anyone may try out volunteering for a target group that he/she likes. For example, you all know I would prefer children and women but I can’t really deal with others very well.
Just this week, I was so unwell that I even could not make it to one exam, had a mid-night escape from home and in the end, entered to do one exam only. I would be lying if I say I am not distressed and feeling agonised, but at least, I think I still need to remind everyone that look to become the opposite of me to live a happier life.