I remember in my previous post, ‘Heart-broken self-review 心碎的自我審查‘, I talked about how I felt that I lose trust in humanity. This time, I would just write about myself in this post to tell myself that having trust issue with certain people, shall not make me believe that I have trust issue with the whole humankind. I have been feeling so heart-broken, and the truth is because I spent lots of time having cried over a person, which just recently is ‘ghosted’ from my world. This means, someone who used to always be part of my life disappears completely willingly, and without signs that this will happen, the person becomes like a ghost that I cannot reach to. If you are interested about how ‘ghosting’ make people feel, click below a link to read a brief psychological journal about how it hurts.
我記得在我上一次的帖子，「Heart-broken self-review 心碎的自我審查」，我談到了我對人人都失去信任。這一次，我只想告訴自己，與某些人有信任的問題，不應使我相信，我要與全人類都有信任問題。我一直感到很心碎，是因為我花了很多時間為一個人哭，一個最近剛剛從我的世界裡變了「幻影人」了。這意味著，一個本來一直是我生活的一部分的人，完全心甘情願的消失，之前沒有跡象會出現這種情況，所以這個人變得像「鬼」，我怎也抓不住。如果你有興趣想知道「被幻影」是甚麼感覺，點擊以下鏈接，了解它的傷害。
One person has become ghosted in my world, with reasons which I found too hard to take; if to phrase this more simple but badly, I got left behind and abandoned. With this sudden loss of someone’s presence, including hearing the person speaking, seeing the person, touching the person, all together I feel truly empty: my heart whispers to me that someone hurts me so badly, someone breaks my hopes.
一個人已經在我的世界成為「幻影人」，而其原因使我不太能接受; 如果要更簡單但更壞去說，我被遺下，被拋棄了。這「幻影人」突如其來的消失，再聽不到「幻影人」的聲音，再看不到「幻影人」的真人，再觸碰不到「幻影人」，加起來，我似被掘空的：我的心臟低聲對我說，有人傷得我深，有人打破我所有的希望。
After almost a week of crying, my family helps me to realise it is time to stop. Today is the 4th day that I managed to hold back my tears. I am amazed that wow, I could care about the ghosted person so much that even my tears have now stopped, my heart still has this indescribable feeling that tickled me to feel the pain about the same person over and over again. I know deep down, I still want to beg for a humanly relationship to re-form in the way that I hope that it would be. This has to come to a stop, otherwise I will become too cheap and low. I don’t want to look down on myself.
哭了近一個星期後，我的家人幫我意識到是時候停下來。今天是第4天我能忍住我的淚。我很驚訝，哇，我可以關心這 「幻影人」這麼多，就算連我的眼淚現在已經不再流了，我的心臟仍然有種說不出來的感覺，像是，要我癢癢的，一遍又一遍，要我去感覺我為同一個人覺得痛苦。我知我內心深處，我乞求想去再形成一段我希望的關係。這都一定要停止，不然的話，我會變得下賤。我不想看不起我自己。
I guess it is just myself being vulnerable in general. I could not help but still get heart-broken that the ghosted person decides to become the ghost in the first place, and in terms of dealing with this matter, I cannot move forward to move on to say a proper goodbye to this ghost, who also without giving me a proper goodbye but just claims over and over again that I am a pressure, a responsibility which is too hard to be taken. I don’t know how is it that I am supposed and be able to deal with a broken heart, my depression, my bipolar, my anxiety, which are still attached to me all together.
我想這只是我自己總括來說好脆弱。我不由自主的感到心碎，因為「幻影人」決定成為「鬼」了，而在處理這件事情而言，我不能向前看，去好好告別這「幻影人」，而「幻影人」也沒有給我一個正式的告別，只是聲稱一遍又一遍，我是一個壓力，一個太難負的責任。我不知道我要如何有能力去處理都附在我的這一切：一個破碎的心，我的抑鬱症，我的狂躁症，我的焦慮症。
Me and my broken heart both know that by now, there is no certainty; promises can be vanished, like legal contracts can be breached. The ghosted person can leave me, words said can be turned back. However furious and upset I am concerning the ghosted person, I cannot deny that at least, this person had been offering help in the past, but decides not to continue anymore from few weeks ago.
我和我的破碎心臟都知道，這世上沒有一定這東西; 承諾可以消失，像法律合同可以被毀約。「幻影人」可以離開我，說過的話可以食言。我對這人是憤怒，傷悲，但我不能否認，在過去，至少，這個人已經提供了幫助，但決定從了幾個星期前不繼續而已。
I remember I promise myself that I need to get well, for my parents’ sake at the very least. I need to be all recovered one day, even the ghosted person will not even know about and see this day coming.
我記得我答應過自己，因為我的父母的緣故，我一定要好起來。有一天，我會康復，雖然「幻影人」甚至不會知道，不會看到這一天的到來。
There is this one night, I cried so much to an extent, mainly due to this ghosted person that I could not stop shivering in midnight, when in fact I was covering myself with duvets without fans or air-conditioning turned on, and it was more than 30 degrees Celsius outside.
有這樣的一個晚上，主要是由於「幻影人」，我哭的程度太厲害，就算我用羽絨蓋好自己，關了風扇和冷氣，我都不能停止在午夜發抖，但外面其實攝氏30多度。
Besides crying, I still go to work, go to dance practices, see families and friends, do different kind of other things. I am still hoping to return to my academic studies next year, I need to be well as soon as possible, to finish my master off and to have the guts to live by myself in U.K. again.
除了哭，我還是有去工作，去跳舞練習，與家人和朋友見面，做不同類型的事情。我仍然希望明年我可以回學校念書，所以需要盡快康復，完成我的碩士，並再次有膽量自己一個人在英國生活。
However, the pain left behind in my heart by the ghosted person still can easily draw me to grieve almost regularly, and at random times daily. I have a very filled up timetable so far, because if I have so much to do, I can avoid being dragged down by the broken heart. I must have been a coward, because it was only me who looked for this ghost over and over again solely, even though this ghost turns back on his words and brings about tears. I need to restrain myself from doing so. I need to learn that each loving moment in the past has already collapsed.
然而，「幻影人」在我的心臟留下的痛苦仍然可以輕易地叫我幾乎定期，天天在隨機的時間教我傷心。到目前為止，我有一個非常滿的時間表，因為如果我有這麼多的事做，我能避免被破碎的心臟拖累。我一定是怯懦吧，因為這有我一個人翻來覆去的去找這「鬼」，儘管這「鬼」食言，帶給我眼淚。我需要克制自己，不要找「幻影人」。我需要學習，過去每個有愛的瞬間都已經崩潰了。
What would the ghosted person think if by chance he comes to read this post: it is unlikely this person would regret to have become ghosted in my world as he chose to be the ghost, so would he be very pissed off that I talked about my broken heart story publicly? How can I still care and get upset, when this person who remained ghosted for a month already just calls me ‘pressure’? It was never my choice to have all these mental problems, it was never my choice to become a source of pressure, and it was never my choice to be left with a broken heart.
如果碰巧「幻影人」閱讀到這篇帖子，那會怎樣想呢：這個人會後悔去變成「鬼」的可能性好微，因為是他自己選擇做「鬼」的，那他會生氣，因為我公開談了我心碎的故事嗎？我怎可以仍然在乎和不高興，當這個人都已成「幻影人」一個月，還要叫我做「壓力」呢？這從來不是我的選擇去患上所有這些心理問題，這從來不是我的選擇去成為壓力根源，這從來不是我的選擇去留下一個破碎的心給我自己。
Lastly, I would still remind myself that at the least, the ghosted person had been offering help in the past. Thank you for the past, and I am now telling myself: past is the past, so goodbye my past.
最後，我還是會提醒自己，至少，「幻影人」一直在過去提供幫忙。謝謝所給過的過去，我現在告訴自己：過去就是過去，所以我可真的要告別過去了。