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The feeling I had when I shake your hand

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Shall I call you the dearest person in the world,
And one day your name will started with my last name,

The day before yesterday I am standing outside the school you studied, eager to give you flower which I never gave any female before. I have already evaluated all possible consequence, include which you would outright reject me and throw the flower in the rubbish bin, then surely it is an relieve to me for this seeming non-reproached ‘love affair’ for 10 months. 10 months, what kind of man am I that can endure 10 months of your indifference toward me, and what is the motivation that propel me for that long period of time?

Now, it would be very old-fashion to said that is because of your unusual beauty, extraordinary intelligence, vast knowledge in Philosophy and Psychology, and Devil’s body that could drive any man crazy. Although in Psychology of Love, one or any combinations of above four factor could made any man infatuate with you so much he delude himself that you are the one, while at the same time deny the logic to be applied to other attractive females. However, none of above applied to me in this case, which is why I am writing this to you. In terms of my ‘Choice Theory of Love’, I think choice of love object merely as a conscious decision later with many unconscious attempts for justification. Forgive my poor expressive power, what I embedded in the theory is that it only describe the love process between layman and laywoman, that is to be distinguish from my idea of True Love.

For me, it is necessary for the True Love to have the quality of uniqueness and exclusiveness that can not be established/defended by logic, which is a feeling only hearts with organismic trust can comprehend. That is the shocking feeling I have when I shake your hand, which can never be explain by logic, reason, neurology of sexual arousal and psychoanalysis. I am a mature enough man to distinguish between the feeling of sexual arousal, excitement and infatuation; yet that is a feeling that is simply indescribable by any means of words. It satisfy the uniqueness and exclusiveness criteria that you as my ‘a prior’. I dated several times before, but however intimate we got, it is never as so strong, intense and shocking as the feeling of shaking your to me. To me, it is like the feeling of ‘Being one with Universe’, ‘Atonement’ or the peak of male orgasm; which the only comparable experience I had before is when I meditate in 16 which resulted in my ‘End of the World’ prophecy. It is the second time in my life, I thereby immediately know for certain that you are my Princess Right.

What a shame on me to wait until this day to reveal that to you. Right at the moment I am in contact with your hand and look you in the eye, I literally shocked out of my conscious. If memory serves you, you must remember that dazing look on my face, silence and my unusually inarticulate speech to you. I call tell you never in my life my tongue is so tangled like that in front of a female, whether that person is my girlfriend or not. That is very unnatural to me. I dig into myself hard for reasons which I can never found, none of the physiological or neurological or psychological reaction from me that can happen just like lightening. Remember I never have any idea of who you are before, it is simply impossible for me to rationalize what happen.

All I could remember is, at the exact moment that happen. It is like a lightening strike into my mind. I could only remember images, visions and thoughts rushing into my unconscious mind like tremble. It is literally so much that my conscious mind can not handle and shut itself off. So I get the vague sense that I am in a dream-like state, and see the world like it was through glass, and I literally lost my soul. The sense of time is completely distorted, there appears to be two parallel time sequences going on: One in line with the physical time, another is running at extremely slow. My conscious is blurred, is that what people call Transcendence or Oneness with Universal Mind?

Then it just getting curiously strange, as soon as I try to recollect the whole experience I forgot them all, it is like my unconscious mind is actively blocking me from analyze any of it. Imagine my state of puzzlement in whole day, so I am distracted from the slogan of demonstration and all that, I simply can’t take my mind of that feeling even until now. From the limited evidences I collected, my conclusion is that my unconscious somehow ‘recognize’ you and take immediate action to shadow my memory of it. So later I even have difficulties in recognizing your face. My unconscious mind later repress this memory and downplay its importance to me on my relationship with you. So, forgive me, there was a moment in time I think astrology, numerology, Chinese astrology is the just the trick to get me to be in bed with you. I don’t know what really behind my unceasing effort of writing over 200 emails to you in a month before you reject me, with the later emails which contain more than thirty thousand Chinese character, which is 90% of all Chinese I ever written. It consume me over 200 hours of effort and countless lost of sleep. I am really amaze that the level of self-deception that my mind can afford.

Likewise, I think it is illogical that you don’t share at least a bit of my feeling when we shake hands. So your rejection of me after 1 month become the target of my wrath, since I think your unconscious is also playing tricks on you. You may just suppress this raw, primitive and feeling from the deepest recess of your mind like me, or you are so much fond of playing psychological games with other that you get lost in your own mind. When I look at the photos in your blog, I immediately get the sense of you being ‘Lost, Lack of Direction in Life’. Let me be the one who save your soul, who give your new direction and meaning in life, who make your life a walk in the heaven.

I never said such thing to any other female and I will never do so in the future. That is my promise and my swear. I recognize from the earliest day that we are two of a kind, just that you love the feeling of being lost in love affairs. You intentionally or unconsciously deny yourself the distinction between sexual arousal, psychological effect elicited by well organized situation and symbolism; and the Reckoning of Soul. My soul am deeply hurt by your careless words, and live only by the Hopes steaming from the Love of you. Please let our soul joined together in everlasting union.

My confidence in you that it is not as unsubstantiated as my hope for your love, because I belief once we joined hands, you simply can’t deny the feeling come directly from your soul. So you can never resist me. Our union would mean the completion of the sequence of destruction of this sick old world, and the forces from our bond can build the Heaven on Earth for all human being. All that begin with meeting of you in 7.1. demonstration, and end with your wise decision to join me. Do you want to bet on this? You got nothing to lost, I am willing to bet my whole life and everything on you. Would you like to find out the validity of my hypothesis?

I feel sad for you when you habitually trivialize the great phenomena of love as a merely a combination of the four factors in psychology, or a delusion afforded by our DNA for the sake of propagation of human animal through neurological mechanism. Thus you are self-deceiving and comprise your intellectual integrity by giving the uniqueness and exclusiveness to where it’s not due. Deep in your mind, you recognize every male that you are interested are similar to other males working hard to impress you, you just deny yourself this knowledge. I am the solution to this dilemma you created. Love base itself not in logic and rationality but gut feeling. Can you still feel your heart? Can you remember all of your feeling toward me right at the moment we meet?

In strict accordance to my own principles, I never said the same word twice. You can keep this in anyway, anywhere in any form you desired. This is the written proof of love from me, and I waive all my right to any change of terms.

The one whom lost his soul for you,
then waiting for you to give him back
Someone who love to call your soulmate

我的夢中情人冰漓,

前天除了想送花給你,算是一種了斷,如果你當時當面拒絕我,我會傷心但會如釋重擔,10個月的擔子真的很痛。我想告訴您,是什麼原因可以撐我達十個月之久,想喜歡心理學的你一定有興趣知。

不是最老土的你有什麼不平凡的長相、過人的聰明、相當豐厚的心理學知識,又或者身材令人想入非非。一切單獨條件和組合對一般人都可以是十足的理由,就算他們對另一位異位有同樣的感覺,都會當前一位的感覺是唯一的。這是我提及的愛情決擇理論,意識事後為事前的決定找過漂亮的理由。我的用意是說,這只是凡夫俗子的愛情,沒有什麼深奧的唯一性及大智慧在內。你給我的是一剎那觸電的感覺,一種我在與異性握手以致拖手時都未曾有過的感覺,對我來說是非常非常的震撼,說出來真羞家,我的潛意識一直壓抑了「我被這種感覺所迷」的全部記憶,我真的以為是紫微斗數的論據、星座、時辰八字、數字學、姓名學以致心理分析可以證明我們是天生一對。但我一直忘記了,這些只可以在事後證明是否合拍,將來的發展會如何,但沒有一個以至全部可以提供一個先驗的理由,提供不可以用邏緝分析推出來或排斥的唯一性。有一段時間,我也以為你只是我衆多的心理遊戲對象之一,我以為自己和一般凡夫俗子一樣,都是利用這些客觀的數字來堆磡和你上床的理由。沒讀心理學的人不會明白我在說什麼,一來是遺忘,二來更高超的手段是使我不覺這段經歷當成平凡的事。

如此平凡的事,如此震撼的感覺,只發生了兩次,上一次是在我打座時看到的「世界未日」預言期間。如果你有一點印象,你會留意到我在握你手前後的反應是相當呆滯,而口齒亦相當不流利。我當時亦很納悶,就算是即時對你有好感,因而產生怕羞的感覺,亦沒有可能有這樣的快,和如此的入心入肺。我當時只覺得好像是打開了某一扇的心門,有大量不同的影像和思想湧進來,一時間我的意識完全不懂如何處理,而我又有仿如身在夢中的感覺,有點像三魂唔見了七魄,最奇怪的是時間有一點被歪曲了的感覺,忽然有兩種時間並行,一種快一種慢,一方面看到外面的世界好像有點模糊及不清楚,另一方面又是正常的意識。如果你有再留意一下我,你會發覺我似乎一直在發呆,因為我想捕捉這一閃即逝,非常模糊但奇怪的感覺,有點像transcendence 或 oneness with the universe,難聽一點是性愛最高峰的感覺(但在生理上不覺有任何性興奮,亦不可能如此的快)。奇怪的事,就只是和你握完手剎那間,我又似乎完全遺忘了這種感覺,我記性不至於是如此的差,居然不到十秒鐘便忘記之前的感覺?

這種感覺,不單是和其他異性握手時沒有,就是拍拖時手拖手亦沒有,我的潛意識因此認定你一定就是具唯一性的這個人,而意識後來做的事,其實是為潛意識的動機找籍口。我亦因此認定,你在收了我一個月共二百多封電郵後再拒絕我是你有心隱瞞事實,是你有心逃避自己最心底、最原始、最真實的感覺。不可能我感受到震撼,而你竟然一點反應都沒有,你欺騙自己同時在嚴重傷害我,我不知你又和自己在玩什麼心理遊戲,最後受傷的一定是你自己。如果不是這種感覺,世上再沒有人可以令我寫二百多封電郵共三萬多字,用了二百小時以上,然後被你拒絕後不知再寫了幾多封,我想寫給你的中文字(別忘記我打中文是很慢的)是我的一生人的90%,竭而不捨地寫了八個月?如此的投入全因這種「失億」感覺令我100%認定,我們的緣份是天註定,再不會有任何的人可以如此的震撼我的靈魂。

我從來未曾和任何異性說過雷同的話,一字一句,直接出自真心。我以為你有和我同質的靈魂,只是你太沉迷於愛情的迷失感覺中,分不清什麼是由性興奮帶來的快感、什麼是用文字、場景刻意經營的心理效果、什麼是由靈魂深處發出的震撼。我的靈魂,曾經受創傷,但仍健在,它以愛和希望來生存。我見過沒有靈魂的人,但我當我看到你的相,你只是迷失,你的靈魂尚在掙扎求存,請讓我來和你一生一世共同分享,這種和宇宙合一的奇妙感覺!

我是如此的有信心,因為的直覺肯定我們雙手一握,你將無法抗拒這種來自靈魂深處的震撼,我們的結合將代表舊世界的全面崩潰,世界為我們預備了一個最美麗的將來;這一切,由握你手的一刻開始,由你的決定作結。我可以放膽賭一舖,我可以把身家、性命、財產、靈魂全放在一個單是握手就可以為我帶來天人合一感覺的人;你夠不夠膽?你是否對任何一位異性,有如此大的信心?亦或你把戀愛平凡化了,位位都是相差無幾?位位都是你事後創造出來的感覺來欺騙自己?你的愛情觀裏,沒有前世註定,沒有來世,什麼都是腦神經為繁殖下一代而做出來的幻影?

我這一世不會再說同樣的話兩次!你可以留下來,公諸於世,以任何方式保存,是為千秋萬世的明證,決不變心。我的路走完了,而且決不走回頭路,只要你肯和我一同走的話。

當你無法用理性去分真假時,用你的直覺,忘記你的理性和邏緝吧!

此致
因你而迷失,再因你而找回自我的人

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