陶傑已由於用英文說西人「住在西貢從前用來養豬的地方」、「大隻，但床上持久力很弱」，及稱菲律賓稱為「僕人國家」而受到大量的批評。可能學精了，今次也只是用中文寫道:「鬼佬男友，確實是要像褓姆帶小孩一樣『湊』的」、「鬼婆都有一個共通點：年紀越大，...下巴長出鬚根，皮膚毛孔增大，脖子變火雞頸，背上浮現老斑，她們在精神上，還中了婦女運動之毒」。

把文章翻譯成英文，是希望令被談論的人最少知道被談論，請廣泛傳閱。

Chau Gwai[-lo]
by Chip Taso

Hong Kong people have a term for Chinese women with Western boyfriends – “chau gwai”[1]. They are right. Gwai-lo boyfriends really have to be chau’ed like a nanny looks after a kid. What chau means, is that the baby in one’s arm is very precious, but you who is the wet-nurse must a higher IQ than the child. You have to understand the child’s need, to be emotionally on top, to feed milk and change diapers, to take care as well as control the child.

The first thing to figure out is why a gwai-lo would come all the way to the East and look for an Asian woman. It helps when you are a little bit artistic. Impressionist artist Gauguin left Paris and went to Tahiti into the arms of native women (tou-lui)[2], which ended up changing his style of painting and created a whole new style.

Chau gwai rule no. 1 – for a gwai-lo to come to the East, he must be tired of the Western culture of the Wall Street or Scottish farm. He is looking for a reincarnation. So what’s wrong with Western women?

Chau gwai rule no. 2 – know yourself and your enemy – think of politicians like Hilary, Palin, and celebrities like Meryl Streep. Yes, gwai-poh[3]all have one thing in common: the older they get, the less feminine they become. Not only do their chins start growing beards, their skin getting rough and their pores bigger, their necks becoming like those of turkeys, their backs getting liver spots; spiritually, they are also actually poisoned by the feminist movement. They will start talking about women’s rights on a whim. What comes out of their mouths is the preaching in the textbooks of Yale’s Women Studies masters programs.

In Asia, if you are the one who chau’s gwai, you must speak English fluently, but you mustn’t understand Western culture to the point that you let yourself turn into a gwai-poh. Do not use your English to debate with you boyfriend why you support absolute equal rights for men and women. Do not tell him that if you had a vote, it would have gone to Hilary. Do not argue with him about democracy, human rights, rule of law… If he wanted this kind of pillow talk, he would have married that head of the female student society when he was at Berkeley. However, he dumped his gwai-poh and two kids to make a new home in Hong Kong, right? So don’t be too smart with your words and talk politics with him. Just make sure you’re good at cooking, keep your skin looking nice and young, and learn how to make a good coffee – this is the guarantee key to controlling him. The answer is in the word chau: just lightly smack his bum, giggle a little, and feed him a spoonful of mango glutinous-rice pudding – this is a love that lasts forever.

[1] “Chau” means to bring up or to look after a very young child. “Gwai” literally means ghost, referring to Westerners (as in “gwai-lo”.)

[2] "To-Lui"literally means "earth-girl/chick" and is a very belittling term.

[3] Literally “ghost old-woman”. Used to refer to western women. (gwai-mui which literally means “ghost girl” , on the other hand, refers to younger Western women.)

Chinese Version:
湊鬼

香港人把華裔女子結交洋男友，叫做「湊鬼」。沒有說錯。鬼佬男友，確實是要像褓姆帶小孩一樣「湊」的。「湊」的意思，是懷中的嬰兒很嬌貴，但當乳娘的你，智商要比小孩高，要明白小孩的需要，要佔奪情感的高地，餵奶換尿片，把小孩播弄呵護於懷抱股掌之間。先要知道鬼佬為甚麼巴巴的跑到東方來，找一個亞洲裔的女人？有一點點美術史修養，會很有幫助。印象派畫家哥更離開巴黎，跑到大溪地擁抱土女，結果畫風一變，開創了全新的風格。湊鬼第一條──鬼佬到東方來，必帶有對紐約華爾街或蘇格蘭牧場的西方文明的厭倦，他在尋覓轉世，追求投胎。大西洋兩岸的女人有甚麼問題？第二條，要知己知彼──政客希拉莉、佩羅西，還有明星梅麗史翠普──對了，鬼婆都有一個共通點：年紀越大，女性性徵越趨淡薄。除了下巴長出鬚根，皮膚毛孔增大，脖子變火雞頸，背上浮現老斑，她們在精神上，還中了婦女運動之毒，動不動就講婦權，開口一套耶魯大學Women Studies碩士課程教科書的學院道理。在亞洲，如果閣下湊鬼，英語要流利，但不可以了解西方文化到讓自己化身為鬼婆的程度。不要用英文跟鬼佬男伴辯論為甚麼你支持婦女跟男人絕對平權，不要告訴他，如果你是選民，會投希拉莉一票。不要跟他爭論民主、人權、法治，如果他想跟枕邊人費神探討這一切，他當初在柏克萊，就會跟同級的那個學生會女會長結了婚。但他撇掉了鬼婆和兩個孩子，經尼泊爾和曼谷來到香港，而且視此地為家，對嗎？那就不要太過口齒伶俐地跟他講政治，修好一手廚藝，保養皮膚，一壺咖啡沖得精緻，就是長治久安的保證。要害在一個「湊」字，輕輕拍打他的屁股，噗嗤一笑，餵他一口芒果糯米，就是天長地久。